It’s All True

By W R Marshall

AXcess News
Oct 16 2007

(AXcess News) Washington – Last week, in an effort to restore some of
the crumbling public support of the United States Congress, the House
Foreign Affairs Committee, in a bi-partisan effort, stepped forward
and delivered the kind of legislative bravery not seen since Nobunaga
deposed the Shogunate and centralized Japanese government in 1567.

No, the war in Iraq still rages and there’s still a health care
crisis in America, but in a 27-21 vote the Committee passed a daring,
non-binding resolution officially recognizing the Armenian genocide at
the hands of the Turks. The Committee members could no longer sit idly
by and do nothing about this ninety year old tragedy. After furious
debate and many a sleepless night, they hammered out a toothless piece
of paper that clearly states something bad happened in some other
part of the world between 1915 and 1923 and they want us to know
that they know. (And soon Hillary Clinton will introduce the same
legislation in the Senate, the same legislation her husband killed
back in 2000.) In one fell swoop Congress has regained the trust and
respect of the American people, and with the wind of this victory
fresh in their sails, they are presently crafting a Congressional
Scolding of Spanish Inquisitor-General Torquemada, who did a bunch
of bad stuff that no one expected in 1492.

In related news, George W. Bush – no, he didn’t sign anything
expanding health care for anyone, and yes, he still wants to nuke
Iran – has chided Congress for dunning the Turks, one of our allies
in his pre-emptive war of last resort against Iraq. With Dick Cheney
locked in a closet somewhere in the West Wing, all the President’s
other men and women are jumping in front of every microphone they
can find wagging their tongues and fingers at Congress for being so
indelicate. After all, John and Jane Q Public might have forgotten,
but history will remember that this was the President who told Bin
Laden to "Bring it on." He’s the Commander Guy who almost negotiated
one on one with North Korea, who nearly stepped in to stop the carnage
between Hezbollah and Israel, and who almost barely tried to get Saddam
to change his evil ways. This is a man who knows diplomacy the way
he knows horses. When it’s time to talk, it’s time to talk and George
W. Bush has proven, perhaps more than any other president, that he has
a special way with words. And they gave Al Gore the Nobel Peace Prize?

This just in: Dick Cheney has announced he will not retire at the
end of his term, but accept the new Justice Department position of

Speaking of Al Gore, in addition to being Vice-President from
1992-2000, and President in 2000, he can now add Nobel Peace Prize
recipient, 2007. The man who made the Internet everyone’s favorite
place to find free pornography (Bill Gates just happened to be in
the right place at the right time) has claimed the prestigious award
for his tireless efforts as Earth’s biggest fan. Tree Hugger One,
as he’s called by insiders, has traveled across the globe, flown to
its farthest reaches, driven from pole to pole, in a singular effort
to get people to be more energy conscious, to leave a smaller carbon
footprint. There is no longer any scientific doubt that global warming
is a reality and Gore is taking the message everywhere – along with
a bunch of electrical equipment for a multi-media show.

The Nobel Committee split his prize with a U.N. Committee doing
the same kind of work. While the Peace Price generally goes to an
individual for some specific effort to bring about peace, Nelson
Mandela in South Africa, Jimmy Carter in the Middle East (there’s talk
of taking that one back), they felt the work Gore and the Committee
are doing could have a long term effect for peace on the planet,
as there will still be a planet on which to have peace.

Republicans, who don’t believe in global warming or peace, have
congratulated Gore nonetheless. However just to cover their bets,
they’ve given Halliburton a no-bid contract to terraform Mars and
most of the Republican leadership has already signed on to rule the
Red Planet. Rumor has it they will no longer be called Republicans.

The new party name will be "The Only Party That Will Ever Lead Because
God Said So." George W. Bush was not invited to serve as the first
Emperor-Pope; in fact, he doesn’t even know it’s going on. But Ann
Coulter has accepted the position of Concubine-Fuehrer and has pledged
to keep the planet Jew free.

Okay, so it wasn’t all true, but most of it was, and that’s really
depressing…really, really depressing.


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