The Sun (England)
May 20, 2006 Saturday
SUN GUIDE TO TONIGHT’S SONG CHEESEFEST; EUROVISION SONG CONTEST
ATHENS 2006
Wogan’s heroes
Nick Francis
THE most spectacular event of 2006 is upon us.
No, it’s not the World Cup or the Oscars. Tonight is Eurovision Song
Contest time.
It’s that magical moment in the year when nations from across the
Continent surrender the cream of their musical crop -and usually
their dignity -to do battle in front of millions of viewers…and
Terry Wogan.
It is a fantastic celebration of the naffest, cheesiest and most
downright atrocious music to ever be produced.
And we love it.
Tonight’s extravaganza stays true to form with a wonderful array of
flop pop set to blast out of our tellies and radios and then be
instantly forgotten.
The UK has not won since 1997, with Katrina & The Waves, and this
year our hopes are pinned on Daz Sampson’s Teenage Life.
Luckily we’re used to losing.
In preparation for the big event, we have had a listen to the 2006
line-up to give you a quick guide to the good (ahem), the bad and the
downright awful.
ARMENIA: Andre -Without Your Love: The bouncy and punchy beat is
typical Europop rubbish and does not make much of an impression. The
lyrics, however, leave a big impression -but of the wrong kind: “Fly
with me, take my wings and dream away.”
How we wish we could.
BOSNIA & HERZEGOVINA: Hari Mata Hari -Lejla: Any song that uses pan
pipes deserves to score low, yet somehow this offering has a certain
bizarre charm. It would make quite a nice love ballad, if you were
hearing-impaired.
CROATIA: Severina -Moja Stikla: This makes the Crazy Frog sound
musically gifted.
With a beat and melody lifted straight from a nursery rhyme, the
entry will surely bring a smile to the face of even the most dead-pan
Eurovision critic.
DENMARK: Sidsel Ben Semmane -Twist Of Love: It is a long time since
anyone has sung while doing The Twist, but perhaps Sidsel is a big
Beatles’ fan. A shame, then, that her music sounds nothing like the
Fab Four.
FINLAND: Lordi -Hard Rock Hallelujah: Ridiculous camped-up
gravel-voiced singers thrashing guitar riffs with make-up straight
out of a Lord Of The Rings movie.
What’s not to like? This novelty act is so bad it could win.
FRANCE:Virginie Pouchin -Il Etait Temps: Sad, forlorn, painful. And
that’s just the singing. This isn’t particularly awful music, but
it’s a touch sombre to be a winner.
F.Y.R MACEDONIA: Elena Risteska -Ninanajna: This tune would be more
at home playing in the background of a kebab shop. Sample lyric:
“Tell me what you want.”
Extra chilli sauce please.
GERMANY: Texas Lightning -No No Never: It pains us to praise
Britain’s traditional rivals, but this Country & Western effort is
far from terrible.
Granted, the singer sounds like Dolly Parton on an off-day, but it
deserves points for being an alternative to the mass of cheesy pop.
GREECE:Anna Vissi -Everything: Once again, true to form, Greece has
turned out an entry that sounds like the cabaret act at a Butlins
holiday camp. Close your eyes and you can smell the scampi in a
basket.
IRELAND: Brian Kennedy -Every Song Is A Cry For Love: There’s
probably not much point in giving this tat any kind of review, seeing
as Ireland seem to win every year -or at least they did in the
Nineties. Admittedly, Eurovision is supposed to be naff, but this
“ballad” takes it to new extremes. Cry for love? Cry for help, more
like.
ISRAEL: Eddie Butler -Together We Are One: This entry is crooned half
in English and half in Israeli. Presumably they couldn’t afford a
translator for the full three minutes. Naff is not the word.
LATVIA: Cosmos -I Hear Your Heart: A slow starter, with almost no
music for the first minute. And once it kicks in you will wish they
had kept it that way. A brave effort to harmonise, however, so good
luck to it.
LITHUANIA: LT United -We Are The Winners: If you do nothing else with
your life, listen to this song. It is so abysmal that it’s brilliant.
The lyrics, safe to say, are the funniest thing we have heard in a
long time, and they sound like they are sung by TV’s Avid Merrion:
“We are the winners of Eurovision, vote for us now.” Do it, do it, do
it!
MALTA: Fabrizio Faniello -I Do: We’re guessing Westlife are big in
Malta because this is exactly what the Irish band would sound like
with a backing track provided by a mouth organ. Tries to be an epic
love song but more a monumental mess.
MOLDOVA: Arsenium feat. Natalia Gordienko -Loca: “Every night I need
my Loca, give me your Boca, I’ll give you my choca.” This song is a
joke-a.
NORWAY: Christine Guldbrandsen -Alvedansen: A slow, mushy entry. We
think Norway have missed the point of Eurovision here. The aim is
surely to be as annoying and cheesy as possible, yet this sounds like
elevator music. You could easily drift off to this…
ROMANIA: Mihai Traistariu -Tornero: Tries to be a serious and even
spooky track but it fails to scare or impress. With an ultra-cheap
Europop beat it’s so bad it’s just bad. Nil points, not even for
naffness.
RUSSIA: Dima Bilan -Never Let You Go: Is it us or is the backing
track provided by a flock of gulls? If so, full marks for
originality. Only the Russians could train birds to belt out a
number.
SPAIN: Las Ketchup -Bloody Mary: If it’s possible, this track is even
worse than Las Ketchup’s chart effort back in 2002. At least that had
a beat that got every ten-year-old girl in the country bopping along.
This is devoid of any funky beat, cheesy chorus or catchy lyrics,
which are all vital ingredients of a Eurovision winner.
SWEDEN: Carola -Invincible: If their football is anything like their
music, Sweden pose no threat to us in the World Cup this summer. The
singer sounds like Celine Dion trying to sing Abba’s The Winner Takes
It All. In fact, does anyone know what happened to Celine Dion?
SWITZERLAND: Six4one -If We All Give A Little: A contender for the
worst, most tacky track in the entire line-up, and that’s saying
something. This “song with a message” won’t have Bono quaking in his
boots just yet. “If we all give a little” croons the male/female
duet. Give a little what exactly -time to singing lessons?
TURKEY: Sibel Tuzun -Super Star: A brilliant fun track. It sounds
like the theme tune from a Seventies cop show. You can just picture a
Turkish version of Shaft busting bad guys along to these lively riffs
and funky beat.
UKRAINE:Tina Karol -Show Me Your Love: This starts promisingly but,
like so many others, descends into complete pap. Typical Europop beat
makes this nothing special.
UNITED KINGDOM: Daz Sampson -Teenage Life: UK’s answer to Vanilla
Ice. We’d love to say that Britain have turned out a strong contender
this year. But we haven’t.
Even if the track didn’t sound like the Smurfs were making a
comeback, the very fact that Daz Sampson is clearly in his 40s yet
surrounds himself with schoolkids will preclude this from big points.
The Eurovision Song Contest 2006 is on BBC1 and Radio 2 tonight from
8pm.
LATEST BETTING
3/1………….Sweden
7/2………….G reece
11/2………..Bosnia
6/1………….Russ ia
6/1………….Romania
7/1………….Unite d Kingdom
10/1………..Finland
12/1………..Ge rmany
20/1………..Norway
33/1………..Maced onia
33/1………..Croatia
25/1………..Irela nd