Baku, Azerbaijan, Sept. 5
By Alan Hope – Trend:
Majority of the X and Y generations may recall a ‘90s blockbuster movie, based on Tom Clancy’s 1984 bestselling novel, “The Hunt for Red October,” starring Sean Connery and Alec Baldwin.
The story, set in the late Cold War era, involves a rogue Soviet naval captain Marko Ramius (Sean Connery), trying to defect to the United States on the Soviet Navy’s newest Typhoon-class nuclear submarine with a stealth “caterpillar drive,” called Red October. Meanwhile, an American CIA analyst Jack Ryan (Alec Baldwin) deduces Ramius’ motive and sets of to the American attack-class submarine USS Dallas, before a violent confrontation between the two navies spirals out of control.
Great movie, but, what, may you ask, is so captivating about it? Well, besides the great storyline and cast, the audience may actually notice two interesting elements of the movie, which, directly correlate to the currently occurring events. One of them is comprised of the episode when Ramius secretly kills boat’s de-juro political, but de-facto KGB, officer, called Ivan – believe or not – Putin. The second describes the so-called “Crazy Ivan” maneuver, commonly used by the Soviet submarines “to clear their baffles” for the detection of pursuit, pulled by Ramius on the USS Dallas.
So what’s the correlation? Well, quite recently, the government of the Republic of Armenia had decided to make some substantial changes in its foreign policy, aiming for European integration and even amplification of its NATO relations.
Let’s imagine an old and battered, but still semi-operational, post-Soviet submarine called Armenia, sailing in the murky waters of international affairs. In the course of its almost 26-years-young independence, its route had been firmly laid in the northern direction, through Russia to the Northern Pole. The state, as a “capable and fearsome military power,” had become a member of the Collective Security Treaty Organization, to help the other participants of the organization in dire need of its “mighty muscles.” As an “economic wonder of the Southern Caucasus,” with its “ultra-modern industry” and world renowned products, such as Armenicum (marketed, as a cancer fighting drug, which couldn’t cure a headache), had joined the Eurasian Economic Union, to share its “prosperity” with those of a lesser fortune.
The boat, though a bit shabby, is at sea, facing the turmoil of international conflicts and continuing on its firm course. It doesn’t really belong to the state of Armenia, as it was originally Soviet and later on Russian, but the country’s leadership had ingenuously “double downed” it to Russia for the gradual return of the loans taken from the latter.
The boat’s nuclear power source, proudly called Metsamor, is long overdue for closure, for being technically as well as morally outdated. But it still works, providing the much needed electricity for Armenia’s stealth “caterpillar drive,” to be commissioned by the time of completion of the long carried out “Great Armenia from sea to sea” project.
At the helm of the boat stands world renowned locksmith, turned butcher, turned “politician” – Serzh Sargsyan – the figure, so much resembling captain Ramius, but for the lack of the simple human characteristics. Nonetheless, one can see his unbendable political will and beyond-his-age academic wisdom from miles away; feel his strength and resilience in the matters of personal finance and job security. The person, who can firmly take down and literary slaughter any opposition or mutiny on board, be it political or even social. He has done his job throughout the years – gained territories (though, not Armenia’s), shed blood (though, not his own) and embezzled wealth (though not, but now his own).
Next to Sargsyan stands his commanding officer – Edward Nalbandian – the navigator of the diplomatic shallow waters and deep sea canyons, sailing master of the stalled negotiations, crusader, fighting the unjust “caviar diplomacy.” He follows Dolly Parton song’s lyrics to the letter, “stands by his man,” maybe not so much with the Poncho, but definitely, as a Sancho.
So, what’s going on with our characters, have they met modern-day pirates, found the Treasure Island and discovered new lands and riches? Not really. These two, realizing that everything in and of the country was already sold, facing an economic and demographic collapse, understanding that the current sponsor of their lavish lifestyle is a huge bit “disappointed,” have decided to find a new sort of dimwit, who would further finance their “adventure.” Thus, the new course of defection to the West – to the euro promise land of European integration, under the nuclear umbrella of NATO – was laid, engines full-throttled and the journey began.
Imagining himself a well-known subsea politician, Serzh Sargsyan, forgetting his previous Columbian attempts of finding Europe in 2008 and 2013, decided “to seize the day,” gave the order to down the periscope, took his position on the bridge, downed a shot of “Ararat” (brandy), and, after singing the national anthem, had ordered the crew to run the boat in the silent mode. The stealth “caterpillar drive,” operated by Nalbandian, was set to the maximum speed; the hall of the boat, though leaking, was holding; the nuclear plant, though on the brink of explosion, was working at its full capacity.
But years of being at the helm of the boat didn’t go in vain for Sargsyan, they have taught him to be afraid of his own shadow. So, he pulled the “Crazy Ivan,” to make sure he is not being followed by the Master. Imagine his surprise, when he saw Master’s submarine on his stern, which wasn’t boarded by Jack Ryan on a mission to save him. It was boarded by the former political and KGB officer Putin, not Ivan, like in the movie, but Vladimir – one of the most prominent political figures of the ocean of politics.
Unlike Baldwin’s character, Putin didn’t board a mini sub, but rather ordered Serzh to get to the Russian port of Sochi, immediately! So, Sargsyan was forced to abandon his sub, get on the “presidential” plane and delivered himself to the Master, calling it an unscheduled “working visit.”
The actual words used by Putin in talk with Sargsyan are unknown, but it’s widely believed that he was forced to teach Serzh a lesson once again, although it’s said that, you can’t teach an old dog new tricks, but you can certainly remind him of the true Master. Moreover, Putin probably reminded Serzh of how he had become “Captain Armenia,” of who pays the bills and what music should be played. He definitely rebuked Sargsyan for copyright infringing use of the “Crazy Ivan” maneuver.
Thus, our heroes, with their hopes and aspirations of a new world shattered, on the battered submarine “Armenia,” had to return to the Russian in-land port of Yerevan. Very unfortunate for them that, Sargsyan, from atop the submarine’s sail deck, didn’t state that he is pleased to have made it to Europe or offer Jack Ryan a quote from Christopher Columbus, and Ryan, in return, didn’t reply, “Welcome to the New World, sir.”
But that, boys and gals, is a movie, not a real life!