Gather.com, MA
Jan 17 2009
Bomb The Evil Canadians!
January 17, 2009 11:17 AM EST
by Walker Bennett, SF Author
The following is an unabashed, full rip-off (with attribution and
link) to an article appearing recently on op-ed news. While
tongue-in-cheek, there is more than just a kernal of truth contained
in it to make me worried (since I now live in Canada).
President James Madison was forced to flee to Virginia. The British
commanders ate the supper which had been prepared for the president
before they burned the Presidential Mansion; American morale was
reduced to an all-time low.
That is from the Wiki account of the War of 1812, the only time the
USA dared fight a war with Canada.
The same sort of thing would happen today – Canada would whip the
sissy Americans easily, and have them writing their anthems about
it. {The "Star Spangled Banner" lyrics were written when Canada was
bombing Baltimore in the same war. Francis Scott Key was a distant
cousin of my first wife and I know all of the family dirt about him.}
The one thing that may give Americans pause is the security concern of
creating 30,000,000 insurgents at their front door that can brew a
beer that is light years superior to Budweiser.
****************
Bomb The Evil Canadians!
by Tim Cerantola
Canadians know Americans better than anyone else on the planet. Unlike
the rest of the world, as America’s next-door neighbour (and little
buddy Gilligan), we Canadians get a chance to peer over their fence
and into their backyards every day.
True. We watch them salute their flag every morning.
We hear them shoot off their guns and test their military equipment in
the backyard.
And of course, we listen to them brag endlessly about America being
the greatest, most wonderful, supremely amazing, inexhaustibly
fantastic, prodigiously magnificent, voluminously fabulous,
immeasurably kick-ass incredible and… well, you follow my drift.
And, not that any of that is untrue but, why is it, when it comes to
choosing their leaders, we watch our gloriously superior cousins
inevitably pick some dim-witted, intellectually challenged blowhard
who thinks primarily about war and who America should attack next?
Indeed, unlike we Canadians, who pick our Prime Ministers based on
their lack of balls and how out of touch with reality they are,
Americans tend to vote for the candidate who best displays a rugged,
shoot from the hip, take no prisoners, bomb them into the stone age
style of leadership.
I am still in ‘wait and see’ mode with President-Elect Barack Obama,
but I’m not too hopeful.
You see, during Obama’s campaign I couldn’t help but note that Obama
was for escalating US military intervention in Afghanistan; he was
opposed to complete withdrawal of troops from Iraq; he was for
continuing the embargo on Cuba; Obama was also for hostile
confrontation with Venezuela’s populist (and democratically elected)
President Hugo Chavez and all other Latin American reformers ` (even
though Obama speaks of protectionism at home, he demands free market
access to Latin America). Obama was a former defender of the
Palestinian people, but is now just another AIPAC toadie in full
(silent) support of Israel’s violation of international
law/disproportionate bombing of Gaza which has included the use of
cluster and phosphorus bombs against civilian targets; Obama is also
for continued expansion of Israel into the West Bank.
I guess Obama’s true litmus test will come when we see him repeal the
Patriot Act or not ` but don’t hold your breath.
Now I surmise the American people feel safer with war-mongering
presidents, knowing that the global bad guy (whoever he is this week)
will capitulate to the American way of doing things rather than risk
having his country reduced to a smoldering pile of radioactive
charcoal briquettes.
And this is why I believe, with a few exceptions; Americans tend to
vote for the candidate who reminds them most of fictional war hero,
Rambo.
Seriously, I’d bet if you polled Americans, you’d find many would
agree that Rambo would make a perfect president. Granted, Rambo would
not be the type to say please and thank you to any dark "evil"
mustachioed dictator. No, if Rambo were in charge, he’d just bust him
one in the kisser. And then, while that no-good, third-world dictator
was down on the ground feeling around for his teeth, Rambo would
mumble something stupid like, "Uh…, yo, commie, I’m ready to demand
my terms."
You see, American foreign policy experts actually believe that if the
world’s rogue nations (anyone that disagrees with the US) know that
America is prepared to bomb the living crap out of them at a moments
notice, they wont make any trouble. Which is why every silver-spooned
American son of a multi-millionaire, with presidential aspirations,
knows that to be a successful US president, besides having powerful
connections and oodles and oodles of money to buy an election with,
all you need is one thing ` a big stick!
Now before you minds start wandering into the gutter, the "big stick"
I refer to has nothing to do with Bill Clinton’s well-documented
skirt-chasing antics. The big stick I reference is the one former
president Teddy Roosevelt waved during his "Speak softly but carry a
big stick" speech.
It was Roosevelt’s "big stick" that cemented his presidential
legacy. In fact, Teddy’s big stick was so effective, it has become the
standard for American foreign policy, not to mention crucial to every
president’s credibility, since.
Think about it. Harry Truman, Eisenhower, JFK and Ronald Reagan all
displayed their big sticks and are remembered as presidential greats.
Remember Jimmy Carter?
Poor peanut farming Jimbo – though easily the smartest and most decent
man to ever sit in the Oval Office, Jimmy was too much of a peace
loving gentlemen to shamelessly wave his big stick around. And so, he
paid a big price in the presidential legacy department.
Not so with Theodore Roosevelt. Teddy charged up San Juan Hill with
his big stick. JFK swung his stick at Fidel Castro and Cuba. Ronald
Reagan laid on the lumber in Libya, Nicaragua, Panama and even little
Grenada – teaching those nasty, godless scourges of the free world
Grenadians a thing or two about…? … ? …Club Med?
Anyway, my point is, Presidents who use big stick politics are likely
to be remembered as great leaders.
This is likely why George W. Bush gets so excited about building a
huge missile defence system in Eastern Europe. Sure, George probably
doesn’t even know where eastern Europe is and, he probably can’t even
spell ‘missile defence system’ (let alone pronounce it); but at least
he has enough presidential savvy to realize he needs a really big one
` which incidentally explains the how and why of Dubya’s presidency
perfectly ` you see, contrary to popular belief, the chances of a
total and complete imbecile being elected president of the USA are
actually pretty good ` especially if you like making war.
As for Dubya’s next war target, well, it may be too late for
George. I’m sure he’d like to end his final term with a war against
Iran. As you may have read recently, Iran is still being vilified in
our ‘fair and balanced’ western media for their insistence on building
a nuclear power station.
Oooh scary!
To put it in perspective, the puny little country of Armenia has had a
nuclear power station for 30 years and so far, has not launched even
one atomic weapon at anyone. (Mind you, I still don’t trust them).
But, I digress.
I guess Iran is the perfect choice when it comes to selling a war to
the American public. Iran really can’t put up that much of a
fight. They have lots and lots of oil and, most important of all, Iran
is already a well-established global meanie with plenty of hate
appeal. Well it sure beats having to vilify a new country for an
American public that can’t seem to keep their international enemies
straight. Besides, everyone knows that America likes a good war,
especially now that they can watch them on TV.
True, with the way American media portrays war, America’s military
campaigns of late have seemed more like action movies. I often wonder
whether the average American can tell the difference. Seriously, after
a week or so, it seems most people don’t even remember where or what
the war was about. They only remember how much they enjoyed all those
explosions on the TV news, not to mention all that glorious flag
waving at the end.
Of course, with George on his way out in a couple of weeks, he has
very little time and a very serious presidential legacy problem to
solve. Let’s face facts; the man has delusions of adequacy. A majority
of Americans now view him as the biggest presidential turd of all
time.
At this point in his presidency, and with his unparalleled ability to
over-achieve in the under achievement department, a quick little fixer
upper of a war might help lift his presidential legacy to the level of
unimportant, if not, full mediocrity.
And so, I believe this could be a potentially serious problem for
Canada.
You see, like Iran, Canada can’t put up much of a fight, we have
plenty of nuclear power stations, we have oodles and oodles of oil and
we’re right next-door. Hey, we’re ripe for an American invasion! I can
almost hear George’s war rhetoric now…
"My fellow Americans, tonight America faces a new EVIL that is a
threat to American life, liberty and all that America stands for. Our
intelligence services inform us that for the last 140 years, several
million Canadians have been amassing along our northern border ` many
of them armed with hockey sticks.
I believe something has got to be done to stop these ungodly
Canadians. As far as this president is concerned, a bunch of EVIL tree
hugging beer-swilling puck-heads who always say please and thank you
after every sentence aren’t even a real country! Besides, I don’t
appreciate a people who actually think that Canada is bigger than
Texas. That’s why I’ve decided to bomb their capital,
Toronto. Goodnight America and God bless."
Tim Cerantola’s humour and political satire has been published in over
25 magazines and newspapers. When he is not pretending to be a writer,
he works at his real job working with autistic and special needs
children.
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