THE RUDEST TRAVEL BOOK EVER WRITTEN
Irish Independent, Ireland
Sept 28 2007
In the mid-19th century, one Mrs Favell Mortimer set forth to write a
definitive travel guide to the world. There was just one problem: she
had never set foot outside her native Shropshire. This was the result..
England
What is the character of the English? What sort of people are they?
They are not very pleasant in company, because they do not like
strangers, nor taking much trouble. They like best being at home, and
this is right. They are very much afraid of being cheated; therefore
they are careful and prudent, and slow to trust people till they
know them. They are cold in their manners, yet they will often do
kind actions. They are too fond of money, as well as of good eating
and drinking. They are often in low spirits, and are apt to grumble,
and to wish they were richer than they are, and to speak against the
rulers of the land. Yet they might be the happiest people in the world,
for there is no country in which there are so many Bibles.
Is London a pleasant city? No; because there is so much fog and so
much smoke. This makes it dark and black. Yet the streets where rich
people live are kept clean, and the maid in each house washes the
steps of her master’s house every morning.
Is London a pretty city? No; because it is not built by the sea-side
or on high hills. Yet it has two beautiful churches – called St Paul’s
and Westminster Abbey – and it has some beautiful parks where ladies
and gentlemen drive and walk, and where even poor children play under
the shady trees.
Wales
Though the Welsh are not very clean, they make their cottages look
clean by white-washing them every year, and sometimes they white-wash
the pig-sties too.
Scotland
Is Scotland like England?
No – it is more beautiful. It has not as many trees as England has,
but then it has very high hills, higher than any hills in England,
and larger lakes, and more streams and water-falls.
One day a traveller said to a Scotchman, "Does it always rain, as it
does now?" "No," replied the man, "it snaws sometimes." He said "snaws"
instead of "snows", for the poor Scotch speak their words very broad.
One of the chief faults of the Scotch is the love of whisky. Another
fault is the love of money. They often ask more than they ought, and
are very slow to give. They are industrious, but disobliging. They
will not take much trouble to please strangers. They are not as clean
as English people, and they let their books be covered with dust,
and even black with soot.
They are very grave, and not fond of jokes; however, they like music,
and can sing some very pretty songs; but you would not like the sound
of their bag-pipes. The noise is almost as ugly as the creaking of
a door, or the squalling of cats.
The chief town of Scotland is Edinburgh. This is the most beautiful
city in the world. What makes it so beautiful? Its green hill with
the castle at the top. As you walk in the fine broad streets of
Edinburgh, whenever you look up, you see this hill and its castle,
and you admire them, and say, "How grand, how beautiful!"
Ireland
There are not many rich people in Ireland. Those who are rich like
best going over to England and living there, and this is one reason
why the poor people are so very poor. But there are some ladies and
gentlemen who try to make poor people happy, and who have schools
for the children.
The Irish say they are Christians, yet most of them will not read
the Bible. Is not that strange? Why do they not read it, if they are
Christians? Because their ministers tell them not to read it. Why?
Because these ministers or priests tell them a great many wrong things,
which are not written in the Bible, and they do not want the people
to find out the truth. The religion they teach is called the Roman
Catholic religion. It is a kind of Christian religion, but it is a
very bad kind.
If you were to go to a Roman Catholic church, you would see a basin
of water near the door. What is it for? It is called "holy water",
because the priest has blessed it. Everybody dips his hand in this
water, and sprinkles himself with it, and thinks that doing this will
keep him from Satan. O how foolish!
France
The parents like to make their children little men and women. They take
them where they go, keep them up late, and let them eat unwholesome
food, and even allow them to talk away before grown-up people, and
show how clever they are. Children of five or six years old often dine
with company, when they ought to be alone with their papa and mamma,
or else in the nursery.
Is there a King of France? The last King left his palace in great
haste. There were crowds under his windows, and he was afraid they
would burst in. So he left his dinner unfinished on the table; he
did not stop to pack up his clothes, but, with his queen on his arm,
he hurried through the streets, and got into a carriage and drove off.
Where did he go? To England. That is a safe place for French kings.
SpaIn
The Spaniards are rather short and thin. Their hair and eyes are black,
their skin is dark, and their cheeks pale, and their countenance is
grave and sad. They walk very slowly, and hold up their heads. The
women are very graceful.
They are not like the French, lively and talkative: they are grave and
silent. They are not active like the Scotch, but cold and distant;
nor fond of home like the English, but fond of company. Yet they
are cruel, and sullen, and revengeful. They are very proud. The poor
are as proud as the rich. They think no nation, and no language is
like their own. It is true their language is the best in Europe,
but there are very few wise books written in it.
Portugal
What? Though the Portuguese are indolent, like the Spaniards, they are
not so grave, and sad, and silent. They are proud like the Spaniards,
but they are more deceitful. They have black eyes, and hair, and
dark complexions like the Spaniards, but they have whiter teeth,
for they never smoke, and it is smoking paper cigars which spoils
the teeth in Spain.
But though the Portuguese do not smoke, they have another bad habit,
they take snuff continually, – the poor as well as the rich – the
young as well as the old.
The Portuguese language is not as beautiful as the Spanish, it has
more hissing sounds, and is spoken in harsh and squeaking tones.
No people in Europe are as clumsy and awkward with their hands as
the Portuguese. It is curious to see how badly the carpenters make
boxes, and the smiths make keys. The carts are very ill-made; they
are drawn by two oxen, and as they move slowly along, the wheels make
a loud creaking noise, which almost stuns people of other countries;
but the Portuguese do not mind the sound, and say it is of use, for
then there will be no danger of two carts meeting in the narrow roads.
Portugal, like Spain, is filled with robbers; the laws are not obeyed,
and the wicked men often escape without being punished.
Russia
The rich people are very fond of company; nothing pleases them more
than to see some sledges gallopping up to their house. Then they make
fine feasts, talk and laugh, sing and dance, from morning till night.
The children are allowed to play so much, that they grow up very
ignorant. The boys are not t aught Latin or Greek, for they are so
foolish as to think it too much trouble to learn languages which
nobody speaks now. The Russians are very fond of music and dancing,
and the children are very quick in learning to dance and sing; but
dancing and singing will not make them wise.
The poor Russians are not black, but fair, with light hair. Why are
they called "black?" Because they are very dirty. The Russians are
very uneasy if they cannot bathe.
The rich people are unjust, and often do not pay their debts; they are
fond of feasts and company, but they care little for their servants
and poor neighbours. The poor people are civil, but sly, and dishonest,
idle, and fond of drinking.
Italy
Rome is the capital of Italy, and once it was the capital of the
world. It was a wicked city then, full of idols and cruelty – and
it is a wicked city now. Here the Pope lives. He is the chief of
all the priests of the Roman Catholic religion. Naples is much more
beautiful than Rome. It is built by the sea-side, where the land is
in the shape of a half-moon. This is called a bay. Naples is a gay
city. The people are always moving and talking fast. The streets
are full of carts and carriages laden with people – some before,
and some behind, and some underneath; for even poor people like to
have a ride. In Rome the people are grave and silent, but in Naples
they are merry and noisy. Which city should you like best?
Germany
The Germans are very kind, and pleasant in their families. They are
affectionate. They are careful, and cautious. It would be well if
they were more neat and clean, especially the poor people.
Hungary
The Hungarians are a much wilder people than the Germans; they are
not industrious; they do not know how to make things; most of them
cannot read or write.
Prussia
Prussia is not a pretty country. It is full of sandy plains, and
ugly bogs, and low fir-trees. Neither is it a healthy country. The
east wind blows very sharp, and the ground is very damp. Yet in one
respect it is a good country, for the religion is Protestant. There
are also many good laws, and the poor people are taught to read. It
is a pity there are so many soldiers.
Poland
All children who have read the Bible, know that the Jews were once
called Israelites, and that they once lived in the land of Canaan.
Where do they live now? In all lands; but more Jews live in Poland
than in any other country. They have eyes like the hawk and noses
like its beak. They are fine-looking men – such as you might imagine
David and Solomon were.
The rich Jewesses wear bright turbans, adorned with diamonds and
rubies. But all the Jews are not rich. Some are miserably poor.
The Jews are very troublesome in Poland. They follow travellers
about, offering to help them, and will not go away when they are
told. The Poles speak very rudely to the Jews, and think themselves
much better; but the Jews bear rudeness with great patience, because
they are accustomed to be ill-treated. The Poles love talking, and
they speak so loud they almost scream; and they are proud of this,
and say that the Germans are dumb.
Holland
There is no people in Europe as clean as the Dutch. If they did
not rub and scrub a good deal, the damp would cover all their brass
pans with rust. The poor children at school are much cleaner than
English children.
The Dutch are very industrious. The king will not allow big boys to
stand idle in the streets. The policemen take up idle ragged boys,
and send them into the country to drain the marshy grounds; so there
are very few thieves, and hardly any beggars. The Dutch children
do not make as much noise at school as our children do. You hear no
noise outside the school-house, and when playtime comes the scholars
go out quietly. They cannot help making some noise with their feet,
as they wear wooden shoes – and wooden shoes, I think, they must need
to keep them out of the wet.
Denmark
This is the capital. There is not so regular and handsome a town
in all Europe; but as the ground is at, it cannot be as beautiful
as Edinburgh.
If you like a quiet city, you would like Copenhagen. It is so still
and so silent, that you might almost think there was nobody in it.
Norway
The men are tall and strong; the women are handsome. They are a simple
people – kind and good-natured, and particularly honest. In summer
nights, which are quite light and very hot, the people leave their
doors open, and no thief comes in, not even in the towns. Bars and
bolts are of no use in Norway.
The greatest fault of the Norwegians is drunkenness. They are too fond
of a spirit called finkel – something like gin, only it is made from
potatoes. On every little farm there is a machine, called a still,
for making it. O who can say how much mischief is done by that still!
The poor are ignorant, and not fond of reading, though they can read.
They are not like the Icelanders, who drink little and read much.
Turkey
The king of Turkey is called the Sultan, or the Grand Seignor. He has
a palace by the water-side where his wives live. They are all slaves
brought from distant parts, and chosen for their beauty.
The Grand Seignor does what he pleases. He orders any one who offends
him to be killed.
It is one of the wicked customs of this dark land to murder the
boy-babies of the king’s brothers. The reason is lest they are grown
up any of them should try to make himself Grand Seignor.
Greece
The Greeks do not know how to bring up their children. I will relate
an anecdote of one spoiled child. An English lady was in a ship not
far from Athens. When it grew dark she went down into the cabin.
There she saw a Greek lady lying on the floor, twisting her hands in
her long hair, weeping and lamenting aloud, and crying out, "If the
ship do not return to Athens immediately, I do not know what I shall
do!" "What is the matter?" asked the English lady. "Oh," said she, "I
have a little daughter of seven years old, and she wishes to go home;
and when we told her she could not, she began to scream violently,
and is still screaming so loud that I fear she will go into fits."
The English lady tried to quiet the naughty child by giving her
cakes and sugar-plums. This plan succeeded. If the child had not been
spoiled ever since she was a baby, she would not have been so wilful
and passionate at seven years old.
Arabia
The three Evils of Arabia.
The first evil is want of water. There is no river in Arabia: and
the small streams are often dried up by the heat.
The second evil is many locusts, which come in countless swarms and
devour every green thing.
The third evil is the burning wind. When a traveller feels it coming,
he throws himself on the ground, covering his face with his cloak
lest the hot sand should be blown up his nostrils. Sometimes the men
and horses are choked by the sand.
These are the three evils: but there is a still greater – the religion
of Mahomed: for this injures the soul; the other evils only hurt
the body.
Kurdistan
The fiercest of all the people in Asia are the Kurds. They are
the terror of all who live near them. Their dwellings are in the
mountains; there some live in villages, and some in black tents, and
some in strong castles. At night they rush down from the mountains
upon the people in the valleys, uttering a wild yell, and brandishing
their swords. They enter the houses, and begin to pack up the things
they find, and to place them on the backs of their mules and asses,
while they drive away the cattle of the poor people; and if any one
attempts to resist them, they kill him.
The reason why the Armenians live in holes in the ground is because
they hope the Kurds may not find out where they are. The Kurds have
thin, dark faces, hooked noses, and black eyes, with a fierce and
malicious look.
Persia
Very often you may see a large company of pilgrims, some on foot
and some mounted on camels, horses, and asses. They are returning
from Mecca, the birth-place of Mahomed. What good have they got by
their pilgrimage? None at all. They think they are grown very holy,
but they make such an uproar at the inns by quarrelling and fighting
when they are travelling home, that no one can bear to be near them.
China
If you were to sit by a clock, and if all the Chinese were to pass
before you one at a time, and if you were to count one at each tick
of the clock, and if you were never to leave off counting day or
night – how long do you think it would be before you had counted all
the Chinese?
Twelve years. O what a vast number of people there must be in China!
In all, there are about three hundred and sixty millions!
If all the people in the world were collected together, out of every
three – one would be Chinese. How sad it is to think that this immense
nation (except a few) knows not God, nor His glorious Son!
All the religions of China are bad, but of the three, the religion
of Confucius is the least foolish.
The religion of Taou teaches men to act like madmen.
The religion of Buddha teaches them to act like idiots.
The religion of Confucius teaches them to act like wise men, but
without souls.
We must allow that the Chinese are very clever. They found out how
to print, and they found out how to make gunpowder, and they found
out the use of the loadstone. What is that? A piece of steel rubbed
against the loadstone will always point to the north. The Chinese
found out these three things, printing, gunpowder, and the use of
the loadstone, before we in Europe found them out. But they did not
teach them to us; we found them out ourselves.
It is a common thing to stumble over the bodies of dead babies in
the streets. In England it is counted murder to kill a babe, but it
is thought no harm at all in China.
Hindostan
There is no nation that has so many gods as the Hindoos. What do you
think of three hundred and thirty millions? There are not so many
people in Hindostan as that. No one person can know the names of all
these gods; and who would wish to know them? Some of them are snakes,
and some are monkeys!
Siberia
If their taste in dress is laughable, their taste in food is horrible,
as you will see. A traveller went with a Samoyede family for a
little while.
One day the traveller saw a Samoyede feast. A rein-deer was brought
and killed before the tent door; and its bleeding body was taken
into the tent, and devoured, all raw as it was, with the heartiest
appetite. It was dreadful to see the Samoyedes gnawing the flesh off
the bones; their faces all stained with blood, and even the child had
his share of the raw meat. Truly they looked more like wolves than men.
Japan
They are a very polite people, – much politer than the Chinese – but
very proud. They are a learned nation, for they can read and write,
and they understand geography, arithmetic, and astronomy.
But Japan is exposed to many dangers, from wind, from water, and
from fire – three terrible enemies! The waves dash with violence
upon the rocky shores; the wind often blows in fearful hurricanes;
while earthquakes and hot streams from the burning mountains, fill
the people with terror.
But more terrible than any of these is wickedness; and very wicked
customs are observed in Japan. It is very wicked for a man to kill
himself, yet in Japan it is the custom for all courtiers who have
offended the emperor, to cut open their own bodies with a sword. The
little boys of five years old, begin to learn the dreadful art. They
do not really cut themselves, but they are shown how to do it, that
when they are men, they may be able to kill themselves in an elegant
manner. How dreadful!
Australia
This is the largest island in the world. It is as large as Europe
(which is not an island, but a continent). But how different
is Australia from Europe! Instead of containing, as Europe does,
a number of grand kingdoms, it has not one single king. Instead of
being dilled with people, the greater part of Australia is a desert,
or a forest, where a few half-naked savages are wandering.
Australia is not so fine a land as Europe, because it has not so many
fine rivers; and it is fine rivers that make a fine land. Most of
the rivers in Australia do not deserve the name of rivers; they are
more like a number of watering holes, and are often dried up in the
summer, but there is one very fine, broad, long, deep river, called
the Murray. It flows for twelve hundred miles. Were there several
such rivers as the Murray, then Australia would be a fine land indeed.
The women are the most ill-treated creatures in the world. The men beat
them on their heads whenever they please, and cover them with bruises.
The miserable "gins" (for that is the name for a wife or woman)
are not beaten only; they are half starved; for their husbands will
give them no food, and they – poor things – cannot fish, or hunt,
or shoot; they have nothing but the roots they dig up, and the grubs,
and lizards, and snakes they find on the ground.
I have already told you that the natives have no God; yet they have a
devil, whom they call Yakoo, or debbil-debbil. Of him they are always
afraid, for they fancy he goes about devouring children.
These savages show themselves to be children of debbil-debbil by their
actions. They kill many of their babes, that they may not have the
trouble of nursing them. Old people also they kill, and laugh at the
idea of making them "tumble down". One of the most horrible things
they do is making the skulls of their friends into drinking-cups,
and they think that, by doing so, they show their affection!! They
allow the nearest relation to have the skull of the dead person. They
will even eat a little piece of the dead body, just as a mark of
love. But, generally speaking, it is only their enemies they eat,
and they do eat them whenever they can kill them.
Egypt
The Pyramids are great piles of stones. There is one much larger
than the rest. It is possible to climb to the top, for the stones
of the sides are uneven, like steps; yet the steps are so high that
Englishmen find it very hard to clamber up such stairs; but some
Egyptians can jump from stone to stone like goats, and they help
travellers to get up and to get down.
But do you not inquire what is the use of these Pyramids? For a long
while people were perplexed about it. At length an opening was found
in the side of one of the pyramids. Then narrow, slanting passages
were discovered.
To what do the passages lead? To dark chambers. In the largest a
stone chest was found; it had no lid, and it contained nothing but
rubbish. What a disappointment to those who expected to find treasures,
or at least, the bones of ancient kings!
Abysinnia
Perhaps there is no Christian country in the world as ignorant as
Abyssinia. How should the people know anything, when even the priests
know nothing! Their chief employment is dancing and singing.
In general the Abyssinians avoid everything that the Mahomedans
approve, for they hate and despise them, and wish to be as unlike
them as possible. On this account they never smoke, nor drink coffee,
nor wash frequently.
The United States
New York is the chief city. It contains about a quarter as many people
as London. It is much more beautiful, for it has neither smoke nor
fog, but enjoys a clear and brilliant sunshine. In warmth it is like
Spain or Italy.
There is in New York a very broad street, called Broadway, planted with
trees; it is two miles long. It is thronged with splendid carriages,
and people elegantly dressed.
This is the gayest city in America, and also the most ungodly. There
are very few churches, but there are amusements of all kinds. It
may be called a city of strangers, for people come from all parts of
America to pass the winter here.
There is no place in the whole world where so many ships are all
collected in one spot as in the harbour of New Orleans. But the river
is the bane of the city. The banks are so low that the damps from the
water render the city unwholesome. Yellow fever frequently comes and
carries away thousands. New Orleans is a dangerous place to live in,
both for the body and the soul.
Washington is one of the most desolate cities in the world: not
because she is in ruins, but for the opposite reason – because she
is unfinished. There are places marked out where houses ought to be,
but where none seem ever likely to be.
The children are brought up in a very unwholesome manner. At the dinner
table of the boarding-house they see all kinds of dainties, and they
are allowed to eat hot cakes and rich preserves at breakfast, and
ices and oysters at supper, when they ought to be satised with their
basin of porridge, or their milk and water and bread and butter. The
consequence is that many children die, and others are pale and sickly.
There are so many slaves in the south, that the white people indulge
in the habits of idleness and luxury. The children, from their
earliest age, have black people ready to do everything for them; so
they learn to do nothing for themselves. As they grow up, they leave
all the work to the slaves, while they themselves lounge upon sofas,
reading novels – or divert themselves with company.
The people in the northern states are very industrious. As there are
not many servants to be had, they wait upon themselves. The children
are useful to their parents. They can be trusted to go on messages,
and to make purchases, and even to go to the dentist’s by themselves.
The Americans are benevolent. They love to do good, and among other
things they have asylums for the blind, and hospitals for the sick,
and refuges for the destitute; and they make even their prisoners
comfortable – perhaps too comfortable.
Mexico
Mexico is indeed the land of robbers. They abound most in the country,
because they succeed best there. It would be delightful to live in the
country in Mexico, if it were not for the robbers. In Mexico it is
not thought a disgrace to be a robber. Even gentlemen, if they lose
much money by gambling, will go and turn robbers for a little while,
and not be ashamed. Sometimes, however, a robber is caught and hanged,
and his dead body suspended in chains by the road-side. But then he
is much pitied.
The most honest set of people in Mexico are the letter-carriers.
These men are employed in carrying packages as well as letters, and
none but trusty men could obtain employment. What dangers must these
carriers encounter from the robbers! Robbers do not often break into
the churches, but in times of tumult and rebellion they have even
robbed churches.
New Zealand
This country is remarkable for lying just opposite Great Britain.
Could a tunnel be dug quite straight through the earth from our land,
that tunnel would end in New Zealand. Such a tunnel, however, never
can be dug. It would be eight thousand miles deep. Though we can never
reach New Zealand by a tunnel, we know that it lies just opposite to
us, so that the feet of the people there are opposite to our feet.
All the seasons there are contrary to ours here; when it is summer
there, it is winter here: and when it is winter there, it is summer
here. The seasons there are like ours here, though they occur at
different times; and the days there are of the same length as the
days here, though they also occur at different times.
This is an edited extract from The Clumsiest People in Europe or Mrs
Mortimer’s Bad-Tempered Guide to the World, edited by Todd Pruzan,
published by Random House
SCOTTISH
‘They are not as clean as the English’
FRENCH
‘Spoil their children’
IRISH
‘Practice bad Christianity’
ENGLISH
‘Low in spirits and apt to grumble’
RUSSIAN
‘Sly, dishonest and idle’
KURDISH
‘Fierce and malicious’
NORWEGIAN
‘Too fond of finkel’
DANISH
‘Their capital is not so beautiful as Edinburgh’
CHINESE
‘Baby murderers’
POLISH
‘Noses like beaks’
JAPANESE
‘Polite, but very proud’
AMERICAN
‘Idle and ungodly’
MEXICAN
‘Delightful, if if were not for the robbers’