TALES FROM THE COFFEESHOP
By Patroclos
Cyprus Mail
March 2 2008
Cyprus
COMRADES, we may have awoken to a glorious red dawn last Monday,
but the Marxist-Leninist revolution that will overthrow the unjust,
dehumanising, abhorrent and vile capitalist system has been put on
hold until the US multinationals which control the European Commission
give their approval for the establishment of the People’s Federal
Republic of Kyproulla, with the right content.
The People’s Federal Republic will not emanate from an immaculate
conception or the ‘virgin birth’, favoured by the revisionist,
crypto-nationalist comrade Mehmet Ali Talat, but will result from
exploited workers, freed from their chains, screwing the capitalist
pigs on a systematic basis, until social justice and equality finally
prevail and every comrade drives a BMW.
But until that day comes, comrades, we need to be patient and put our
full trust in the wisdom of our comrade Commissar and the not-so-just
mixed economy he has accepted as a compromise for the transitional
period. We conclude our short tribute to our progressive new regime
with Marx’s wise words. "Behind every successful man is a woman,
behind her is his wife."
CONGRATULATIONS to our new comrade Presidente Christofias for his
promotion from the post of Commissar. He has shown in the last six days
that he will be no pushover for the parties which backed his election,
not only giving them the worst ministries, but also insisting that
he chose which of their respective members he would appoint.
This created big disappointments for the comrades of DIKO, which had
joined the Christofias electoral alliance in the belief that they
would be in charge of what they called the ‘productive ministries’ –
education, defence, justice – all of which were given to AKEL comrades.
Why were they so hot on getting these ministries? Because they have
the scope to produce rusfeti and corruption on a mass scale, as they
deal with the appointments, promotions and transfers of thousands
of teachers, soldiers and cops. Comrade presidente appointed his own
men to these posts, not so he can personally control the government’s
rusfeti policy, but to ensure that it does not happen.
Had he given the productive ministries to DIKO, which has a proud
tradition in rusfetology, dating back to the halcyon days of Spy Kyp,
state sector productivity would have grown geometrically.
AT LEAST we got two ‘dignified’ ministries, a female DIKO member
said on the radio after the new cabinet was announced. I suspect
she was referring to the ministries of foreign affairs and health,
which were given to comrades Marcos Kyprianou and Christos Patsalides
respectively.
The commerce, industry and tourism ministry, which also went to
DIKO, we assume is the ‘undignified’ one, because apart from being
unproductive, ‘commerce’ is not a very socialist activity. The most
undignified of all ministries proved to be agriculture, even though
in our brave, new, progressive society, politicians should have been
fighting over who would have the privilege of helping our downtrodden
farmers see better days.
But nobody wanted agriculture, because nobody wanted to have to deal
with unshaven potato farmers, justly complaining about the low state
compensation for their ruined crops, and aggressive vine growers,
quite rightly demanding higher prices for their unwanted grapes.
In the end, the ministry was given to an EDEK Paphite, comrade Dr
Michalis Polynikis, who, according to his fellow Paphites, has been
dreaming all his life of being appointed to a senior public post,
from which he could serve people. That he would be serving farmers
instead, was not an issue for him.
NOBODY who is after a public post in our country, is motivated by
political ambition, a high sense of self-importance, a desire for
social status, a need to show off to friends and relatives, or the
wish to have chauffeur and eat at Pyxida on the taxpayer’s expense.
They all want to become a minister for one reason – they want to serve
the public, apart from the farmers. But if they are so keen on serving
the public, why don’t they become waiters. Restaurants have more
vacancies than the government and it would be nice, occasionally, to be
served by a waiter whose first language is Greek and whose commitment
to serve the people is so sincere he would do it with a smile.
ANOTHER Paphite got a ministerial post in the new humanist and socially
sensitive government. DIKO comrade Christos Patsalides, who served
at interior in the last months of the Ethnarch’s regime, was given
health. This was a peculiar choice as the guy’s main qualities are
an inflated ego and the ability to talk down to people.
His record as minister was unremarkable. One of his main achievements
was to violate the law which prohibits smoking in public buildings.
Because he was a smoker, the smoking ban at the interior ministry
was lifted, which is what you would expect from a complex-ridden
Paphite in a position of power – he will abuse it and think he is
really smart for doing so.
Will rebel comrade Patsalides allow smoking at the health ministry?
Somehow, I doubt it because comrade presidente is a dogmatic
anti-smoker and would not tolerate some Paphite upstart flouting
the rules.
SO WHY did comrade Patsalides get a DIKO ministerial post, considering
he was way down in the party’s pecking order, and there were two dozen
higher-profile members desperate to be appointed? Why was Paphos’
leading son and DIKO member, Nik the Pitts, who was proposed by his
party leader, not appointed?
Because, as we wrote last week, comrade Christofias does not have a
sense of humour.
Patsalides got the job because he was supported by both comrade Tassos
and comrade presidente. The reason was that he had the backing of a
big Paphos construction firm which had donated big amounts of dosh to
both candidates’ campaign funds. The gossip from the district is that
one of the firm’s main shareholders sees Patsalides as a prospective
son-in-law and would like to have a minister in the family, even if
he is only in charge of an unproductive ministry.
PAPHOS, as usual, is over-represented in the cabinet. The third
minister from the district is our old friend and comrade, Cyprus
Goldenmouth, a former government spokesman who became a deputy of
AKEL’s ‘New Forces’ wing in the last parliamentary elections.
Comrade Cyprus, having lived in the capital for most of his adult
life, is much more sophisticated than your average Paphite and you
would never guess he was from the district if you met him.
Nevertheless, as justice minister he will be re-acquainting himself
with his fellow-Paphites who are over-represented in the police force
and will all be seeking rusfetis from him.
I doubt he would want to engage in this shabby business, even
if the comrade presidente allowed him to. In fact, he was given a
productive ministry because he is trusted to follow the presidential
rusfeti policy and not because he made a big contribution to comrade
Chritofias’ election campaign fund, as some nasty Nicosians have been
mischievously claiming.
OUR ESTABLISHMENT believed that DIKO chief comrade Marios Karoyian
never had the makings of a f?hrer and that he was a bit of drip,
being used as caretaker leader by comrade Tassos, until comrade
Nicholas was mature enough to take over.
Events of the last two weeks have forced us to reassess this view
and admit that we had got him completely wrong.
He may have a degree from Arslikhan University, but he is also a
cunning operator, who has guile to remain a party leader for the
next 20 years. His handling of the election wheeler-dealing was
a master-class in petty-political manoeuvring, the primary aim of
which was to strengthen his hold on DIKO. And he was smart enough to
allow everyone to think that he had nothing to do with the party’s
shift from Kas to Christofias in the week before the second round,
leaking reports that Tassos had been pulling all the strings.
Comrade Karoyian let the Tassos supporters take the party to the
Christofias camp because this suited him. If the comrade commissar was
elected, the position of Duma speaker, which he was promised by both
candidates, would be immediately vacated. In the event of a Kas win,
the Commissar would remain in the position until the Duma’s dissolution
in three years, and comrade Karoyian would be made to wait.
IN THE LAST week he showed his mettle, by using the cabinet
horse-trading to strengthen his hold on party. As ministers, he
proposed peripheral DIKO members who could not threaten his leadership.
He also proposed Tassos boys, comrades Palmas and Kenevezos as the
party had decided, but, at the same time, told comrade presidente
that he did not want the pair appointed, a request leaked to all the
papers. The two were leading party members, who would enjoy a high
profile as ministers and therefore be in a position to challenge for
the party leadership.
Comrade Karoyian ensured against this eventuality by condemning
them to anonymity for the next five years as he parades through
the media as Duma speaker and keeps a tight hold on the party by
controlling the dispensation of rusfeti. It was a master-class in
astute, petty-political scheming that would allow him to remain DIKO
leader for the next 30 years.
We should never have underestimated a comrade who had learned the
art of political scheming from the undisputed, world master – the
late Spy Kyp, whom comrade Karoyian served as his right-hand man for
years. After all, this is an Armenian who managed to become leader of
the most conservative, nationalistic and xenophobic party in Cyprus
(its strongest support is in Paphos).
He is the true follower and upholder of the Kyp political tradition,
and for this he has our undying support and respect.
I WAS PLEASED to see that there was role in the new human-centred
government for the Shistris waiter, comrade Yiorkos Iacovou, after
his stint as Cyprus High Commissioner in the UK. He was appointed
presidential commissioner, a post invented by old sea-wolf comrade
Glafcos, for DISY hangers-on who needed a state job and had failed
to get a ministry: it was scrapped by comrade Tassos. Nice to see
comrade presidente reviving it so as to allow comrade Yiorkatsos to
have a state position and get a whopping big salary for doing nothing,
other than to massage comrade leader’s ego.
WE HAD predicted months ago that our good friend Charilaos Stavrakis,
a scion of old Nicosia money and until last week one of the head
honchos at the B of C, would become a finance minister of a commie
government and we were correct. Now what Charilaos, who would have
been a member of our aristocracy if we had one, is doing serving in
the Bolshevik government, we do not know.
He has all the wrong credentials for the job – a lot of moollah,
a privileged upbringing, a top job at the biggest bank, a successful
career, high intelligence and degrees from the world’s top universities
(Cambridge and Harvard) which are hotbeds of capitalist thinking. And
he will be taking a 60 per cent pay-cut in order "to create a fairer
society" (everyone to own a BMW by 2012 and get a place at Cambridge
or Harvard, before being made CEO of the B of C) as finance minister.
Now that is what I call a big sacrifice, deserving our congratulations
and we promise not to tell anyone that he is also crypto-neo-liberal.
EDEK’S pitiful leader, comrade Yiannakis Omirou showed admirable
self-knowledge, by turning down an offer to replace comrade Kyprianou
as European Health Commissioner. Realising that the post involved
working as well as much fewer opportunities to make hot-air statements
on Cyprus TV stations, the comrade from Paphos decided to stay at
the helm of the party where he would continue his heroic struggle to
amend EDEK’s constitution, which limits the party leader to only two
terms, so he can secure a third. But why did he not suggest another
party member for this prestigious post, like his lieutenant, comrade
Koutalianos, who had narrowly missed out on getting a ministry? Omirou
does not have a sense of humour either.
COMRADE presidente, we are unhappy to report, all but renounced
his communism in an encounter with The Guardian’s correspondent
Helena Smith. Their exchange was reported in Thursday’s Guardian:
"How could you?" he fumed. "How could you ask if I am a communist?
I’m no Castro of the Mediterranean. I’m not having this conversation.
I’m going," he bellowed, heading for the lifts.
"But sir," I implored, "you must come back. This is the question
everyone in Europe will want answered." Whereupon Comrade Christofias
turned on his heels, arms outstretched in embrace, chubby cheeks
trembling, silver helmet of hair bobbing, eyes wide open. "Your
question is highly provocative," he gasped. "But my child, let me kiss
you. Let me explain. My party, you have to know, is a peculiar party,
that’s what it is. Peculiar. Peculiar."
LUNATIC Turkish Cypriot columnist comrade Sener Levent took great
offence at his comrade’s assertion that he was "no Castro of the
Mediterranean". He wrote in yesterday’s column in Politis: "You
disappointed me Demetri, just when I was dreaming of a Commune in
Cyprus just like that of Paris. You shattered my dreams. And I who had
been waiting all my life for this moment to come… for control to
pass to those who have nothing to lose but their chains… for land
to belong to those who work it… factories to those who produce. So
we can all be equal."
I assure you that comrade Levent has no sense of humour. And I am
also certain that Comrade Stavrakis’ vision of a fairer society is a
bit different from comrade Levent’s or I would be on the next plane
out of here.