By Jirair Tutunjian

More than a decade ago it was reported that the Ankara University was offering Eastern Armenian classes. Political commentators said the students were probably being groomed for foreign affairs and to spy on Armenia: With the looming Armenian elections, Turkey has sent 24 of these students to Armenia to agitate, misinform, provoke, and foster dissent. For ease of communication, the  agents were provided with alliterative Armenian pseudonyms…Jivan Jivanyan…Hagop Hagopian, Harut Harutunyan, Sarkis Sarkisyan, LevonLevonyan…Kevork Kevorkyan…Each pair had a different agenda: pro-Pashinyan…anti-Pashinyan…Tashnag…anti-Tashnag…Pro-EU…and pro-Russian. Before spreading across Armenia, the putative agitprop members attended a Q & A conducted by a Moscow-educated Turk professor going by the name Jivan Jivanyan.

At a secret Yerevan basement…

JJ: Until we meet at Ankara ministry of foreign offices at the end of our mission, this will be the last time we meet. This is your chance to ask questions about your mission.

HH: How do we pronounce the name of their Vatican?

JJ: Euch-mee-ad-zin…like magazine.

KK: Is the president’s correct name Nikol? Nicol? Nichol? Nicola?

JJ: Nikol. He is not the president. He is the prime minister.

SS: Why do all Armenian men give themselves the noble title Baron?

JJ: I don’t have time for such silliness. You should have learned all this  at the spy school. Ask me about your mission. Your job is to spread disinformation, start controversy, depress voters, make them cynical and divide the electorate into a thousand different voices.

TT: Can you give us an example of how to agitate and create argument?

JJ: Join a group of idle people who are, say, sitting in the park and tell them Pashinyan is worse than Vasag. Then watch them argue. Or say that it’s a tragedy that Russians have withdrawn from Armenia.

HH: How about Dish Nags?

JJ: Dish what?

HH: The treacherous political party which tried to kill our Sultan Hamid.

JJ: You mean Dashnags. To start an argument, say that the only time Armenia was truly independent was in 1928 when Tashnags ran Armenia.

HH: You mean 1918.

JJ: No. I deliberately said 1928. I wanted to measure your knowledge. There are many venues where you can operate…newspapers’ letter to the editor section, radio call-in shows,people in cafes and in parks. Lit their fuse and watch them argue. Remember what Ermeniler say: “One Armenian … two churches, two Armenians… three political parties.”

KK: What do we do when we blunder and raise suspicion about our identity?

JJ: Finally, a good question. You tell them you were raised as a Turk and upon discovering your roots you settled in Armenia.That’s the reason your command of the Godforsaken language is inadequate.

KK: What do we do about having intimate relationships with Armenian women?

JJ: Your chances are almost nil. You have to restrain yourself. You are not on a cruise.

SS: Since we are already here, why don’t we sabotage, burn some factories and harm people?

JJ: You are not good enough to manage something like that.

SS: I still say that it’s a shame that we are not taking advantage of our stay and do some serious damage.

KK: I agree. Why don’t we set Pashinyan’s electoral office on fire?

SS: Ummm.

KK: When we set Pashinyan’s office on fire, he would get lots of sympathy vote and get re-elected.

JJ: Ummm.

SS: What is “Ummm”?

JJ: Listen carefully and then forget what you heard. It’s top secret. I will deny saying it. As you know, our Forever-for-Life head of state has indicated he would like to see Pashinyan re-elected. In fact, what he wants is Pashinyan’s defeat. With Pashinyan gone, the new prime minister will be openly anti-Turkey…sort of the reverse of Pashinyan. With luck, he would turn out to be a hot head. That would provoke Turkey. We and Azerbaijan would then move in and slice gavur Armenia into two.

All the spies applaud.

LL: You are living in fool’s paradise. At least four states—China, Russia, the United States, and France will not allow it. Besides, Turkey is now pre-occupied by Israeli expansionism.

SS: So, what are we doing here? Why don’t we go home?