By Jirair Tutunjian
Faced with prolonged criticism, President Recep Erdogan of Turkey
recently decided to clear the air through a staged intimate interview
with a sympathetic journalist. Since no Turkish journalist would be
foolhardy enough—we mean suicidal—to interview the vexatious-
irascible-vengeful-paranoid Big Recep—Erdogan’s handlers arranged
that he be interviewed by a friendly British reporter. After all, except for
the unfortunate misunderstanding in 1914, the United Magical Kingdom
has been friendly with Turkey since the reign of the Queen Elizabeth I in
the late 16 th century.
Reporter X (RX): Good evening Mr. President of all the Turks and
successor to the Great Ataturk.
Recep Erdogan (RE): I am the successor of no one. Kemal had some
cheap successes but in no way are we in the same league, as you British
say.
RX: People say while you condemn Israel’s genocide of Palestinians, you
facilitate the transport of Azerbaijani oil to Israel.
RE: That’s calumny. I advise you to be careful with your words. We are
not involved in shipping oil to the Zionists. Third party tankers moor in
Ceyhan, buy the oil, and sail away. We don’t know where they go. It’s
international business.
RX: I know ships carrying Azeri oil load in Ceyhan and taking evasive
action go, say to Sicily, and then make a U-turn to Israel,. They then
turn off their tracking signals so as not to be detected.
RE: Do you have a hearing problem? I just told you we don’t care where
the ships go.

RX: Don’t you care that the oil shipped from Ceyhan enables murderous
Israeli pilots to drop bombs on Palestinian children?
RE: Listen carefully: I replied to you. I never repeat myself. It’s a habit I
share with Suleiman the Magnificent, Napoleon, and martyr Sultan
Abdul Hamid II.
RX: Wasn’t he the homicidal sultan who banned H2O—the chemical
symbol of water—because he was convinced it stood for “Hamid the
Second will Die”?
RE: I am shocked a reporter from an organization which is friendly with
Turkey would repeat the calumny hatched by terrorist Kurtler. Had you
been a citizen of Turkey, we would have offered you enforced history
classes about this great nation which is the mother of human
civilization and the father of all languages.
RX: Thank you for the offer, but I have to head to Beirut to report on
the recent Israeli bombings of the city.
RE: Lovely city. We have a couple of seven-star restaurants there. Give
my name to them and they will serve you the best kepap in the world.
RX: Thank you. I am fruitolian.
RE: What is fruitolian? Is that an Armenian fruit?
RX: I eat only fruit.
RE: Obviously. [Picks up his I-Phone and sends a message to Orhan,
head of his PR department. The message says: “Paza—-
(redacted…redacted…redacted) … If you value your life, vanish right
now.
RX: Mr. President, can you tell me what you just typed and to whom?
RE: Mr. Fruit….

RX: My name is Telford Tennyson Trevelyan III
RE: Is that Armenian?
RX: There’s talk that your son-in-law Selcuk Bayraktar recently became
one of the richest people in Turkey because you gave him access to
state resources, public money resources, and procurement
opportunities.
RE: What kind of family man would I be if I didn’t assist my daughter
and her husband, Mr. Fruitian.
RX: I have one last question. Israel’s former PM Naftali Bennett,
repeating what other prominent Israelis have said, pointed out recently
that Turkey…sorry, Turkiyaya…is a threat to Israel and that your country
is part of Iran’s Axis.
RE: My good friend Naftali has a strange sense of humor. He was
referring to the next Turkiyah-Israel football match. Remember, my
country was among the first to recognize Israel. We even sent food to
them. We are generous people. We could have eliminated the ingrate
Armenians who wanted to take over our homeland. Instead, we
escorted them away from the theatres of war …to Syria.
RX: An interesting take on the genocide of Armenians.
RE: Gather your electronic gizmo…and scram. I will phone your boss.
Unless he kills your article and fires you, we will shut your Istanbul
bureau.
RX: Everything you said was automatically transmitted to the Turkish
Military Intelligence and to your Kurd PM who hired me for this job.
Erdogan Effendi, you were an ex-footballer and in a few minutes you
will become ex-president…and don’t expect Putin to save you this time.
Tashakur edarim for your time.

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